Winter Woes

No Barbados hair!

There is a lot I love about winter – the cool dry air, how my hair behaves itself with the lack of humidity and I enjoy a winter wardrobe as my ideal outfit is a long sleeved t-shirt, jeans and a pair of converse. I recently had a checkup at the dermatologist and as he looked over my body with his magnifying glasses on he said ‘you really were born for the northern hemisphere, weren’t you’.

My wardrobe guidelines
My wardrobe guidelines

If my skin could talk it would beg to be kidnapped and kept in a basement. Winter is OK but summer can be troublesome. Although I love the balmy air and enjoy things like outdoor entertaining after dark and dusk walks on the beach, the hot sun is the enemy of those with skin prone to cancerous sun spots. But if I cover up I’m too hot so it sux either way. In a sense, winter is my oasis. But right now I’m a bit over it. Here are the things I am not enjoying right now:

1. Shower Shivers

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 4.44.14 PM
The trauma I feel when getting out of the shower

Winter showers are beautiful with our new instantaneous hot water system. I can stay in that shower for way too long and half my body is red and baked by the end. The cat watches me the whole time and enjoys the show. But getting out of the shower in winter is horrific. Nipples that can cut glass or possibly get you out of a speeding ticket, cold air assaulting every surface of your body and forget your towel once and you’ll be sorry as you do a nudie run up the hall covered in goose bumps. 

2. Toilet Seat Iceblock Trauma

I regret nothing.
I regret nothing.

Having both an insatiable thirst and a bladder the size of a thimble, I have to get up most nights to pee. Sitting on the toilet seat is like sitting on a block of ice, very unpleasant at 2am. I recently bought these toilet seat covers on eBay and it’s solved the problem. They go on at night and come off in the morning and are machine washable, I’m pretty happy with this decision and wonder why I’ve waited 38 years to implement this system. It’s extremely tacky and something you may expect to see at Kath Day-Knight’s place but I owe it to my rear end to commit as a proud long term user of this item.

3. Wardrobe Wars

I have a 3-year-old child who wishes she was a princess or possibly believes she already is one. It’s all about frills, tiaras, sparkles and dress ups. Every day we have had disagreements over her wardrobes choices due to the cold weather. She will emerge from her room triumphantly in a beautiful summer dress or a matching pretty singlet/undie combo or even a pair of swimmers. I looked at her outfit this morning, which was a short, glittery skirt and t-shirt with sewn in wings and told her it wasn’t going to cut it on this cold day and that she’d have to put pants on. She burst into tears and sobbed ‘but I just want to look beautiful’. We compromised with a jumper and tights. When summer comes, I will not have this problem anymore. I recall being on holidays in Queensland one year and seeing a woman shopping in Woolies in a bikini, pushing her trolley down the aisles. Add some frills and a tiara and this would my daughter’s idea of Xanadu. I genuinely cannot wait for warm weather, if only to have a peace with my little gal.

4. Life is an Open door

Please don't make me use my nose
Please don’t make me use my nose

In winter, open doors are a problem. We have stacker glass doors at the back of our house. The kids are in and out of the house and forget to close the door, turning the house into an igloo. In summer the doors can be left open all day and everyone’s happy. But during winter with the heaters on I am constantly telling the kids to ‘SHUT THE DOOR’. Cedric sits at the back door all day looking longingly inside, wishing and hoping to gain entry. At some point, he will decide to take matters into his own hands paws and opens the door with his nose. He then slinks in looking very guilty and flops. Either too lazy or too incompetent to close the door behind him, icy air will penetrate the house. 

5. Heaters, Here and There

I'm hot just looking at this.
I’m hot just looking at this guy.

Most old homes around here are not made to deal with any serious cold weather and heating solutions are patchy at best. At my house we have a gas heater in the lounge, a reverse cycle air conditioning unit on the wall and various oil heaters in bedrooms. At times some are on, some are off and there are cold rooms and warm rooms. This leads to a market for products such as the ‘Snuggie’. I don’t own one but wouldn’t knock one back. And everyday my kids fight over who gets the prime spot in front of the gas heater. Sometimes violence ensues as a result. Between the two pets and three kids, someone is always unhappy at their proximity to the heater. I’m sick of the fighting! Maybe a snuggie for everyone would solve the problem?

6. Birthday Blitz Attacks

I am not sure what was in the water in the ‘Springs’ of years gone by but I seem to know an extraordinary number of people with winter birthdays. It feels like at least half my extended family is born in winter. Which means birthday after birthday. Whilst birthdays are enjoyable, it can be difficult for a disorganised person to keep on top of presents. I buy a gift along with card and wrapping and then before I know it another birthday is upon me and I’m on the back foot again. It’s like being in the surf and getting dumped, sticking your head up to gasp for air and being dumped again. Repeat, all winter (I really need to shop in advance, maybe I can’t blame this one on Winter??).

7. Garden Graveyard

My garden in winter
My garden in winter

We bought our house from an elderly couple fond of gardening. They spent a lot of time in the yard and had beautiful established gardens, a lot of which have been trashed by our brown thumbs and lack of time. Even though it’s far from it’s former glory, in spring it all blooms beautifully with flowers sprouting up all over the place. But in winter, it looks like a creepy graveyard. Our Japanese maple tree, along with many others, loses its leaves and has creepy eery branches that look like they belong in a horror movie. Not that attractive.

I think the only thing left to do is beg: Winter, what we have is a love that is skin deep only. I have no lasting commitment to you. I am a fair weather friend and I’m done with you now. Please send spring to brighten our lives as soon as humanly possible, many thanks. And now I must go to purchase a ‘Snuggie’ online and sit in front of the heater until it is delivered.

Good evening.



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