Carried Away

Before having kids, you may have found yourself dreaming about:

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But after kids everything changes and fantasies become a lot more straightforward. Here is my Top 10 list of ‘Mum’ fantasies:

1. Magic Shoes

25% of parenting seems to be desperately pleading with kids to put shoes on. Then another 25% is losing it at them because either they haven’t done it or they’ve taken off their shoes from the last time and you need to repeat the process. Only a parent will understand this but I dream of a world where I never have to nag a child to put shoes on again: Shoes will magically appear on feet when appropriate and come off when appropriate. 

2.  Convenient Toilet Trips

In the real world, regardless of whether a kid has peed like a racehorse minutes earlier, they will still need to go again at a very inconvenient moment. e.g. right in the middle of their swimming lesson or in the murky depths of Ikea. In our fantasy world, it’s a different story – a child will only need to go to the toilet when you are close to a clean and accessible bathroom. Hooray!

3. A Relaxing Hospital Stay

You may dream about having a very minor surgery or illness that requires hospitalisation for several days. The ailment will not be painful but will nevertheless still require a delightful morphine drip, which you control. You are not expected to do anything other than rest, watch TV and eat food that is delivered to your bedside for 3-4 days. Oh, and flower & chocolate deliveries will be forthcoming each day, also brought to your bedside.

4. Uncontested Bedtime

Imagine telling your kids to go to bed…and they actually listen and obey cheerfully. No complaints, no requests for water and no monsters in cupboards. They hit the deck like a tranquilised elephant and don’t wake up for 10 hours. Our dog will meekly walk into his kennel when I say, just once, “Go to bed.” The fantasy is that one evening the kids will be as obedient as the canine. 

5. Eating Hot Meals

In reality, as soon as hot food is on the plate, a child will scream out to have their bottom wiped, a band-aid administered or to be rescued from the headlock of your other child. It doesn’t matter how many minutes are in a day, the 5 minutes that you want to eat your hot meal will invariably be the exact time a child needs you desperately. In this fantasy, all hot meals are eaten whilst hot and ice cream is eaten before it’s melted. 

6. Uninterrupted Bathroom Bliss

It would be nice to go to the loo or have a bath or shower without someone banging on the door:

a) wanting to come in

b) asking a question or telling you something in a loud but muffled tone

c) asking you to resolve a sibling dispute

d) asking if they can watch you on the toilet (this happens)

7. Grocery Shopping ALONE

Mothers get excited when they get to grocery shop alone. And even though this isn’t a desirable activity in and of itself, when done alone after enduring it with small sidekicks, pathetically, it becomes very enjoyable. This is where motherhood takes you: to Coles, alone, on a Tuesday night at 8pm, where you kick your heels in glee and dance the trolley down the aisle, rejoicing in the solitude.

8. The Never Ending Wine Bottle

Having a bottle of your favorite wine that never, ever runs out so you can do this:

9. Free Babysitting

This is a serious fantasy of mine. We don’t have any parents living nearby so it doesn’t happen often and we usually have to pay a babysitter. I dream of, I yearn for, I covet the free babysitting that a lot of friends with nearby relations seem to have. I am also counting down the years until my eldest child can babysit her siblings.

10. An Uninterrupted Nights Sleep

The pinnacle; the ultimate fantasy: You lay your head down on the pillow at night and close your eyes. You sleep a full 8-9 hours, drowsy and tangled in the sheets and wake up of your own accord, well after the sun has appeared. There are no wet beds, no vomiting children and no bad dreams. Nothing could top this fantasy for any mother, anywhere, ever.

 

There. That’s my list and I imagine I am not alone. Feel free to add your own and we can daydream together…